What Goes on Within Being a Missionary

Hey everyone! So this is gonna be an interesting blog, just because I got two topics and I don’t know how the Lord is gonna fit them together. So hang in there with me.

First let’s discuss my squad. My squad are the people I’m living with and doing life with during these nine months. The Lord threw us together in a very interesting and perfect manner. Each and every person here are so uniquely different, which allows us all to grow closer.
So going into the race, we all knew that since the Lord had such a hand in putting us together, then the enemy was going to throw everything he possibly could. What we didn’t realize was that it would be LITERALLY everything. At this point we have had someone go to urgent care or the ER each week (aside from the first week). That’s just talking about my squad. We have offices in our indoor squad meeting point. We’ve been using those offices as a space for sick people to rest in safely. Those rooms have been used more than twice each week. The enemy doesn’t stop with sickness, he also uses your family/friends. Each day someone gets homesick, or gets bad news from home. Or they are trying to deal with what has happened with their family. Trust me, the enemy will twist as much as he can to make a person worry about not being there with their family. Don’t worry, there’s even more! The enemy also uses our minds. That’s one of the most messed up and tricky ones. He uses insecurities, lies, past trauma, anxiety, and so much more to cause troubles. “Are you sure those people like you?”, “Are you sure you’re supposed to be here?” “What makes you so sure of that decision?” So many things run through our minds. And don’t even get me started on our tents flooding (including mine 🙁  ). But It’s a constant warfare and we just happen to be found directly in the middle.

Second, let’s discuss my warfare. The Lord and I have had countless conversations these past weeks, discussing how I can grow and how I can better prepare for what I’m about to walk into. Quite literally conversations like, “Do I have enough faith to run into a battlefield to save a little girl”, “Can I withstand the coming attacks”, “I can take being killed for God, but what about tortured?” Not that I think that’ll happen on this trip, but if it were, we needed me prepared. With that he kept giving me tasks. So one task He has given me is to journal out my life. So starting young up until now. Let me tell you, that is such a big task. Not only are you forced to process so much information, but you also get to figure out why you are the way you are. Well, yesterday the Lord had me jump from age 10 to 15. As many people know, age 15 was not a good age for me. For those who don’t know why that age is such a troubling time, I’ll fill you in. That’s when I was raped. So as you could imagine that’s actually a really hard task. So knowing that I had a conversation about that with the Lord. Which ended in me basically saying “This is actually insane but I trust you, when this feels like too much to tell me to stop and comfort me.” (Pssst read Psalms 91:4) So with that, I started writing out the full detail story of my rape. Of course there were many times I had to get up and walk away, but then I’d sit back down and keep writing. When I finished, I sat staring at the 5 full pages in unbelief. I had just wrote out the whole story of the most traumatic part of my life. It was liberating to write it all out. It was no longer stuck, bouncing around, in my head. So I sat and processed. Later that night I got a call from someone very dear to my heart. She wasn’t doing well. She was in so much pain, her voice was weak. My heart was shattering, knowing there was absolutely nothing I could do. That night I went to my tent, dragging. I prayed for everyone I love and fell asleep. Then I woke up with a migraine, which isn’t new to me, but when I got up I felt sick. I knew the second the feeling overcame me that I was officially under attack. So I prayed. I prayed like I was fighting a war with words. Which doesn’t always stop the attacks but can put the armor around you, so you can withstand the attacks.

There’s too many people in this world who view a mission’s trip as being a vacation, and that’s sometimes caused by what Christians make it out to be. There’s a stigma around talking about the struggles. As if telling people that they’ll go through hardships will keep them from following Jesus. Yet Jesus himself told his disciples “and you will be hated by all for my name’s sake” (Matthew 10:22). The reason I write this blog is to point out following Jesus is NOT always easy. Some days it involves bending your knee and asking God to fight the battle, instead of picking up the sword. 

Anyways! I do ask that you pray for my squad. As well as our families, many of our families are going through just as much spiritual warfare.

If you made it this far, I’m actually impressed! Good job!
Until next time!                     -Kaili <3