Preface: This is quite literally my unedited thoughts from the love I’ve experienced.
Since getting off World Race Gap Year, I was feeling lost and confused. Going from Eswatini, Africa to America was a bigger shock than I had expected. I went from sharing a room with fifteen girls to being alone. I went from having absolutely no space to be alone to constantly being alone. My sense of community was gone and I could only reach them through texting/calling. With that, my sense of self disappeared. I was no longer being poured into, but rather constantly pouring out. With that, I suffered through so much spiritual warfare. To the point that I couldn’t read a single verse of the Bible without getting tired or losing focus. So I stopped reading His, beautiful, word. The only way I was connecting with God was through worship, except my heart wasn’t in it. I was singing songs and playing guitar, but I wasn’t praising him. Heck, I wasn’t even talking to him much.
Then my squad had a reunion in Gainesville, there my heart was broken into a million pieces. One of my dear friends was taken away in the most unexpected way. I suffered through so many different versions of control and begging the Lord to help me. That’s when I could hear him again, after all the silence. He told me to step away and join World Race’s alumni trip. As you could imagine I said “No freaking way, I’m 8 credits from graduating college, I just got used to being in America, and I was finally able to build a friendship with a woman who challenged me to spend time with the Lord.” However, I told him, “If my mom allows me, then I’ll go.” Previously she shut down around a million other options for mission trips that I talked about, so I thought there was no way I’d be going. When I mentioned the idea and she said yes. Once again as you can imagine I said, “crap.” I applied and soon got accepted.
Flash foward to the night before I was to fly to Pennsylvania for training.
I was an absolute wreck and was begging the Lord to not make me go on this trip. I still wasn’t fully funded and I didn’t want to leave my family or friends. In that moment of desperation, I asked the Lord for one last sign and I would no longer doubt going on this trip. I needed to be fully funded. As I said “amen” at 9 pm I got a donation notification. I was fully funded!
Then I went to Pennsylvania for two weeks for a perspective’s class. Then we left for Gainesville for more training.
In Gainesville, the Lord was gaining my attention in so many ways. It was like he was clapping his hands together to get me to focus on him. At this point, I was starving to spend time with him. I saw so many of my friends and leaders have such a deep love for the Lord and I wanted that. I wanted people to look at me and say “Wow, she’s so in love.” I wanted to hear him in each step I took and each breath I breathed.
I asked the Lord what I needed to do to build that kind of relationship with him and he answered immediately. He said, “Bring the darkness to light.” He was talking about my addictions and secrets.
So I talked to my mentor and told her some of my struggles. She suggested I do an inner healing with her and another mentor. I didn’t originally want to tell my mentor about my secrets, let alone this other mentor who heavily intimidated me. (Mind you these ladies are the upmost intense, Holy Spirit-filled women I have ever met.) Yet I still said yes and welcomed whatever the Lord wanted to do. We did the inner healing and brought all my secrets to the light. We brought the Lord into every dark area of my life and He spoke so much life into me. He also redeemed so many things that have happened throughout my life.
That night I sat down with the Lord and worshipped/prayed for 15-20 minutes. At that time I was asking him to fill my heart with his love. I desired to be so in love with him. I also wanted to be able to read his word, without any trouble.
I sat down and opened the Bible to Matthew. Before reading I breathed and asked for a renewed mind then proceeded to read. It was like I was reading Matthew for the first time. I was shouting verses because I was filled with so much passion for his word. After reading 7 chapters, I fell to my knees and thanked Him. My heart was immediately filled with an overwhelming amount of love. I literally looked like a kid in love and I couldn’t stop smiling. The Lord also gave me eyes to see his creation with more love than ever.
Since that day, I haven’t been able to stop smiling. Joy literally follows behind me everywhere I go. Along with that I still have such a passion for His Word. Every day I have woken up with so much excitement to read the Bible and to share of what he has done in my life.
I am continually in prayer for all those around the world who haven’t yet experienced his goodness. For those who haven’t even had the opportunity to hear his glorious name.
